Accolades

It’s easy to focus on the everyday failures (or, to put it less hyperbolically, stumbles) of parenting. Each hour is marked by a misstep or several. I know it’s just a product of being human, and of my children being human. But perfectionist that I am, I tend to doubt myself in these moments. If my temper is short, how have I scarred my children for life with my sharpness? If my mind is preoccupied, how have I hurt them with my inattention? If I am busy with my job, have I made them feel my work with them is not important?

Today I was blessed with two moments that showed me the redemptive power of love.

The first was when I stumbled into school/work this afternoon after two days of illness, intent to wrap up a few things before taking the older boys home with me. Ollie has been sick as well and, while we thought him well enough to go back to school today, he was clearly pretty well worn-out by 1:30 when I arrived, because he’d come to see the nurse. The nurse isn’t there on Thursdays, so he was more than content to settle for him mama. He sat in my office, quietly coloring while I worked some. I’d look at him from time to time, and often catch him with his glassy ill eyes, staring off into the middle distance. Geez, I thought. Why had I sent him to school today? Poor kid. Started mentally adding to the therapy fund based on what he surely felt was his abandonment. A friend called to coordinate with me on afterschool transportation, and Ollie wanted to talk to her. He got on the phone, answered her question about his being sick in the affirmative, then out of the blue said:

“I want to tell you something. My mom…she loves me a lot.”

*****

Later tonight, I lay with Seth waiting for the sleep that had captured his older brother to catch up to him. His little face was inches away from mine, though I was breathing into my turtleneck sweater in perhaps a vain effort to keep my germs from being transmitted to him. In the near-darkness, I could still see the luminous twinkle of his impossibly big eyes. I was beginning to be impatient for his slumber; he was really taking his time tonight. I breathed deeply, forced myself into calm so nervous energy wouldn’t feed into his alertness. My eyelids fluttered closed, as I hoped he’d follow my example. Instead, I felt his small, warm paw settle on my forehead, just at my hairline in a soft and tender patting gesture.

“I really like you, Mama,” his sweet carillon voice bestowed in blessing.

If I could but remember to treat myself with as much grace as my children treat me, I would always find myself sufficient.

Categories: Mostly Me, Ollie, Seth | 7 Comments

First Post of 2012

Well, so I got that out of the way. For those who were clamoring waiting patiently.

I haven’t had much blog-worthy stuff going on lately. Work, which I don’t write about. Should I blog about laundry? Maybe that would be boring. Everyone being sick? Gross. I’ve been reading books and re-watching season 2 of GLEE and enjoying my weird kids when they’re not screaming and being irritating.

One of the things with which I’ve been struggling, as the kids get older, is respecting their growth as these amazing budding individuals and not telling stories on them that might somehow embarrass them. For instance, I would like nothing more than to tell you about the incredibly adorable conversations Maxwell has on the phone with a classmate who may or may not be a girl.

See? I couldn’t help myself. Which means maybe I should stop blogging while I’m ahead.

Or find some different interests that are blog-worthier than TV-laundry-folding.

*************

It occurs to me that I might talk a little about “2011: Year of New Things”. I did do a lot of new things, and not all of them were what I had in mind when I set out on the “new” project last year: the job, the hair. Which: here’s a progress shot:

See? Now I’m blogging my HAIR GROWTH. That’s akin to paint drying or something. So far, my voice has not gotten any more Rachel Berry/Lea Michele-like as my tresses extend.

I did do a lot of Pride and Prejudice-related stuff for the project (of which, this was by far the most amusing post to write.) I began the whole thing, you might remember, because I wanted to read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. But guess what? I couldn’t finish that book. It was…just like Jane Austen, but with a bunch of zombies thrown in and it felt redundant, like a waste of my time. And I *never* stop a book in the middle. This is, I think, the most telling signifier of how my life has changed in the last 4-5 months: I no longer read bad books. I don’t have time! I barely have time to read anything at all.

I also cooked for the new things project, including a week of vegetarianism that my kids didn’t even notice, which was sort of amusing. I would have written more about that except, honestly, my cooking that week was so abysmal that I was ashamed to do so. Out of the 7 meals, one was good and it is something I make all the time. All the new things I tried were awful, and I couldn’t decide if it was because I’d misjudged recipes or if my execution was that poor. But we do throw in a vegetarian dinner from time to time (I wish it was once a week, but not quite…) and I will share the link to one I made the other might with great success. At least, to my taste buds. Joe said it would make a good “girl side dish” (read: not “manly” enough) and the boys refused to eat it. I ended up eating the whole pot over several days and I thought it was incredible. It made my house smell like that of my Indian high school friend, whose mom was always concocting something amazing when we’d go there after school. Anyway, I encourage you to try Chana Saag. Yum, yum. Simple and super tasty.

So what’s my “thing” for 2012 going to be, you might ask? For starters, I’m going to start making dates for my husband and I whenever I possibly can, because we like each other and need to hang out more. I don’t care how much money we have to spend on babysitters…that’s why I’ve got a job, yo. And in a similar vein, I am going to not feel guilty about whisking myself away on writing retreats on a regular basis. Do I wish I was flexing my writing muscles daily? Yes; I’ve noticed it’s gotten more laborious for me when I don’t blog often. But my memoir still sits in a virtual folder, begging to be continued, and I can’t wait for a chance to get back to it. So I will. I will make myself go away alone and write, and I will love it like I did before and not feel guilty.

Also, I’m on a mission to love New York. Brad, my dear friend, moved there in November and Maxwell and I are going over a long weekend in February. Somehow, just thinking of and planning for an exciting trip with my kiddo to see my BFF is already transforming my attitude toward the Big Apple. And yes, I promise not to call it that when we’re there.

So the main theme here, I guess, is quality time. For my boys, all of them. For me. For my friends and family. What I can’t accomplish with quantity I will strive to redress with quality. Who knows? Maybe it will spill over into my blogging as well. Until then, I am ever grateful for those who patiently check in, nudge, coerce, and encourage me to keep at it.

Categories: 2011: Year of New Things, Mostly Me | 3 Comments